God’s Pet Peeves

So, I was flipping through a Bible & came to Leviticus 11, with its variety of swimming, walking, crawling & flapping abominations. ’Twas an interesting re-read.

Some highlights:

We aren’t actually supposed to be eating ostriches. I was a bit surprised by that, as I didn't think ostriches were too bountiful in Hebrew lands in those days, so much so that there were ostrich-avoidance rules in place.

God is really peeved at “unclean” animals, & takes his time calling them names like abomination & defiler.

Apparently no one noticed that four-footed insects are mighty scarce, & that laws banning their consumption (see here…it’s good stuff) are a bit superfluous. Also, there is a distinction made between jumping & non-jumping bugs. Some of the former are yummy, while the latter are abominations without exception (so if mom tries to sneak one into your dinner, pick it out, feed it to the dog & then stone her to death).

Special mention is made that you aught not to “boil young goats in their mother’s milk” (Deut 14:21).

And let us never forget that god hates figs & shrimp.

Pondering further, I’d bet god is a shrimp lover too, like me. Think about it, he fools us into thinking they’re nasty so we don’t eat them & they can flourish in the ocean … Thousands of years of Christianity, Judaism & Islam might boil down to nothing more than an elaborate shrimp-saving conspiracy.