Hot Naked Sushi Action

Someone was telling me yesterday about how ancient and wonderful an art form nyotaimori (aka naked sushi) is. This may or may not exactly (wikipedia.org) be true, but it did get me looking online for more information. The practice has actually been outlawed in China (bbc.co.uk), but then the Chinese don’t allow snoring in the military or cooking children’s arms (mainichi-msn.co.jp) either. Communists.

Fortunately for the sophisticated misogynist, there are a few establishments Stateside that offer nyotaimori, most famously Gary Arabia’s (globalcuisinecatering.com) Global Cuisine (aolcityguide.com) in LA.

I spent a few minutes searching for local spots, and according to ClubZone.com, Café Japone (clubzone.com) in Dupont Circle does naked sushi Saturday nights. Hmm… why haven’t I heard about this before? I’m skeptical. If it is true, however, I may have to pay them a visit, being a fan of both sushi and naked women.

Thinking…I'm sure they have rules about not talking to the models, but really, where would a conversation with someone you were eating off go?

Me: So… Sushi… you a big sushi person?
Table: Well, not really.
Me: Ah. Well. Being a table, then. How's that working out for you?
Table: Not too bad. Pays the rent. I, uh, go home smelling like fish though.
Me: Oh.

…It could go on like that for a very long, akward time.

For those who know I grew up in Japan, I’ll note that I haven’t tried eating off a naked woman yet, though I have on many occasions ea…… [Post interrupted by Poor Taste Alert®]

World RPS Society

Check it: Worldwide Governing Body of the Sport of Rock Paper Scissors (worldrps.com).

Looks like it’s a big thing. Weird. Still, this has to be one of the most unintentionally funny sites ever. Check out, for example, their 2002 dedication to the Official Year of the Rock (in particular, check out the last two photo captions within the article).

At first glance, the rules of Rock Paper Scissors seem simple. As you look deeper, however, they’re still pretty simple. Let’s not kid ourselves.

• Rock smashes scissors (rock wins)
• Scissors cut paper (scissors win)
• Paper covers rock (paper wins)
• Flounder slaps penguin (flounder wins … for expert use only)

…Or so I thought. Here is the 3-page How to Play – Quick Start, and the 7-page must read for all aspiring RPS gurus: Advanced RPS tactics.

Check out this excerpt from the World RPS Society, showing just how high-demand of a sport Rock Paper Scissors can really be:

… In other events, Chad Leatherstep (Co-Chair Disciplinary Committee) in his address delivered a landmark speech pledging a crackdown on performance enhancing drugs in professional level play. “It is the worst kept secret that the dressing rooms at many tournaments have become literal ‘hotboxes’ of abuse. We will be targeting specific suspicious players for random drug testing.”

Imagine that. Your friendly, local Rock Paper Scissors tournament, unbeknowest to you, might have become a literal “hotbox” of performance-enhancing drug abuse!

It makes sense in a way, I guess … these people have to be on something potent to be at an RPS tournament in the first place.

Related stuff:

• The cult of roshambo (emf.net) — devoted to the religion of Rock Paper Scissors
• Play Rock Paper Scissors via email (brunching.com)

And here’s some stirring RPS haiku gleaned from the RPS Society’s Bullboard:

Always throw paper.
How can you lose with paper?
Forget scissors, man.

You delayed your prime
Won’t synchronize your rhythm
That’s just dirty play

Paper is the throw
For the narcissistic fool
The masturbator

Few are perfect forms
The rock however is one
Likewise breasts are too

God’s Pet Peeves

So, I was flipping through a Bible & came to Leviticus 11, with its variety of swimming, walking, crawling & flapping abominations. ’Twas an interesting re-read.

Some highlights:

We aren’t actually supposed to be eating ostriches. I was a bit surprised by that, as I didn't think ostriches were too bountiful in Hebrew lands in those days, so much so that there were ostrich-avoidance rules in place.

God is really peeved at “unclean” animals, & takes his time calling them names like abomination & defiler.

Apparently no one noticed that four-footed insects are mighty scarce, & that laws banning their consumption (see here…it’s good stuff) are a bit superfluous. Also, there is a distinction made between jumping & non-jumping bugs. Some of the former are yummy, while the latter are abominations without exception (so if mom tries to sneak one into your dinner, pick it out, feed it to the dog & then stone her to death).

Special mention is made that you aught not to “boil young goats in their mother’s milk” (Deut 14:21).

And let us never forget that god hates figs & shrimp.

Pondering further, I’d bet god is a shrimp lover too, like me. Think about it, he fools us into thinking they’re nasty so we don’t eat them & they can flourish in the ocean … Thousands of years of Christianity, Judaism & Islam might boil down to nothing more than an elaborate shrimp-saving conspiracy.